(published 12/1/99)
  When Feminists Favor Flawed Views
 by Mischa Gelman

  Feminists often get accused of being man-haters. While this may be true
once in a good while, it obviously is simply a rhetorical technique by
those who oppose equality of the genders. A bigger problem is the desire
by many feminists for male-emulation - it is not that they are overly
critical of men, it is that they are overly critical of women. Instead of
pointing out the ways men are inferior and should learn from women (and as
a guy, I've noticed tons), they deride traditional feminine
characteristics and roles as inferior, stating a need to copy guys. They
tell women to be more vocal and more aggressive when they should be
telling men to be less aggressive and more like women. Instead of telling
guys to go be househusbands, they scorn anyone who does housework (except
maids, since that's "work.") When a woman leaves her job and dares to stay
home nowadays, she gets looked down upon by many. As a result, less folks
actually raise kids and make the home a nice place and more people serve
as drones in the workplace, following the whims of their boss.
  Feminist writers Lyn Brown and Carol Gilligan say women have been raised
badly, pressured by a "tyranny of the kind and nice." Why they consider
this a big problem, I am not quite sure. I am more concerned that men are
raised by the "tyranny of the cold-hearted and tyrannical." After all,
shouldn't everyone be raised to be nice? Am I missing something in seeing
this in a positive light?
  Women should be glad they are taught to be nice and kind. Women are
allowed to express any emotion without a real problem - in fact, if they
hide it inside, they are seen as cold and distant. Men, on the other hand,
are supposed to express, or be capable of even, only two emotions
according to American culture - lust and anger. Even though research shows
that married man are happier than single men and benefit from marriage in
terms of happiness more than women, the media tells us guys aren't capable
of love, certainly not on the scale women are supposed to be capable of
it. Women are taught to be social and develop friendships, while men are
taught to go it alone - by wishing to make male socialization the ideal,
we downplay the importance of community and friends and encourage a
society of loners. One startling note is that Lifetime, a station that
has provided reruns of some good comedies and dramas like Designing Women
and The Commish, calls itself "Television for Women." What, guys aren't
capable of enjoying humor and good acting? These advertisers encourage the
image men wouldn't like such things, despite the presence of realistic
male characters in those very same shows.
  It is not just the media that serves up these convoluted images.
Afterall, they have existed for thousands of years, long before Lifetime
Television. A boy growing up in this country doesn't have to read books
, magazines and newspapers, watch TV and movies or listen to music to know
what is expected of guys. He just has to go to schools. Starting in
elementary school, we were taught being macho is good and got criticized
if we wanted to play with Care Bears in addition to Transformers and GI
Joe. If we hadn't properly incorporated the typical stereotype by high
school, we get labeled as fags, homos, sissies, wimps and all other kinds
of creative insults. Heaven forbid you should show feelings and act human.
  As a result of this social teaching, women wind up kind and nice more
often. They commit far fewer crimes. They spend more time with their kids.
They serve as caregivers for relatives with health problems more
frequently - and when caregiving are less likely to be isolated and more
likely to utilize outside supports. They are less likely to internalize
emotions, leading to earlier death and increased alcohol and drug abuse on
the part of men. These are things we should emulate, not shy away from,
and certainly not denigrate as some kind of tyranny.  Feminists should be
asking men to change and leave good enough alone rather than asking women
to change.


 Mischa Gelman has no problem with feminism, just with some feminists who
care more for a flawed male identity than for a good female identity.